I honestly had forgotten all about this thing, but tonight I just needed somewhere to vent.
Tonight Stu and I had probably one of the most open talks in the longest time. For someone who was so transparent in high school, there is something about college that has forced me to shut down emotionally. Not that I don't feel safe trusting others, but just that I've felt it is physically impossible to get to verbalize what's going through my head. So maybe, just maybe, I can make my fingers do the talking instead.
I don't know what I want to be or do with my life anymore. For so long I thought that teaching was the only thing. When I changed my major this past semester it shocked me and everyone else around me. Now I'm doubting whether or not Spanish was the right choice. I can't help but wonder if it's just the enemy putting thoughts of inadequacy and doubt into my head, or if God is trying to tell me that I'm meant to do something else. I pray that He will give me wisdom, clarity, and assurance as to whether or not I'm doing the right thing. The only other career option I've come up with is counseling, but right now I just feel too messed up to be able to help others with their problems.
Don't get me wrong, I love my roomates. They're all great Christian girls who love the Lord and we typically all get along pretty well. It's just that when Jessica and Natalie get together I instantly feel like I'm being excluded... like when little girls form "clubs" that only a select few can be members of. We're not 12 anymore, so why does it feel like I'm the one being left out of the fun? I know I need more friends. I need other girls that I can lean on for a support system, and not just a shopping buddy. I've excluded myself from them by spending so much time with Stu... maybe that should be a New Year's resolution, even though I hate those.
School. Blah. I love it, but at the same time I think it's what makes me so crazy and neurotic. I admitted to Stu tonight one of the reasons why I can't make anything less than an A, and it was something I didn't even realize meant anything. In high school I was the only one of my friends to not make top 10 percent. Since then I've wanted to be better, no, to be the best. I put so much stock into keeping that 4.0 that it keeps me from doing things in church and with others for fear of not having enough time to study and keep that perfect GPA. I know that's wrong. I know that's putting something before God and there in lies the problem.This semester I want to strive for having a servant's heart, and not be so focused on myself. It's not about me....
Maybe I'll add more later, but this is good for now.
I really only keep this thing so that I can read my friend's stuff. Hank's g/f was...interesting, to say the least. Everyone called her Satan, which as much as I hate to say, she kinda was. Ya know those ppl who whine and complain about EVERYTHING? yea that was her. she was really stand-offish and didnt seem interested in talking to anyone but Hank. Then she made fun of him,weird... oh well, some girl's are crazy. Kyle's date jennifer was nice(except kyle was all touchy feely and that kinda freaked her out lol). After prom we went bowling( yea i stunk at it) and then went to waffle house for some dinner... er, breakfast? We went back to zach's house to watch a movie, but then it hit everyone just how tired we were. I went home around 5:30 or so. All in all it was a pretty good night. Oh and i got a dozen pale pink roses( my all-time fave flower) because they were the center-pieces on the tables and at the end they started just giving them away to whomever wanted them. I wish i had more hands, i woulda taken two dozen:-p Oh and i lost my camera too 
left it on the daggum table. doubtful if anyone turns it in. * sigh* oh well,at least i got some pics with the girls and with the group beforehand. at least. I was doing some review thing, and the math was pretty much pointless. I have no idea how to do most of that crap. The rest I've forgotten. So much has gone on this week and earlier i just started bawling. I'm so sick of this school year! I want it to be over! Mom said that we'll check into signing me up for an ACT prep course. She says that i shouldnt be worried about it but whatever. Sorry, but I cant exactly pay for college, and neither can my parents. Hec right now I cant even get into Union even if that's where God calls me to go. I dont want to go to a state school. I want a private Christian University. Not MTSU. It's great for whitney and other ppl, but its not for me and that's all there is to it. I just feel so inferior to all these people who make good scores. It's like " dangit, i have straight a's, I'm smart too, so why can't I do well on this stupid test?" Idk. right now my stomach hurts i'm so stressed out. blawr.
Anyways, things have been pretty stressful this week. Had a 2000 word critical analysis due today, along with a test of only essay questions(which wasnt too deadly, but still...)
Friday I'm babysitting, the ACT on saturday morning, followed by more babysitting that afternoon. I quit black-eyed pea on Sunday, which is gonna be a good thing. I'm prolly gonna go to chef's market in goodlettsville. If my mom is right they pay like 9 bucks an hour and that would be great! thats like 2.50-3.00 more an hour than I was making, woo!
mom had a job interview this morning with hendersonville hospital. dunno how thats gonna turn out, but we'll see. Things financially are getting pretty rough. My dad was joking about how " the Miller women are all jobless" which is pretty much true.
Anyways, prom is in like 2 weeks, and although I'm excited, I'm also kinda stressed out over it. Mitch told sims that he " had some bad news about prom" which can never be a good thing. I'm going with andrew tomorrow to order his tux i think, which is good. We've decided that our group is going to Amerigos for dinner, yum! Now i just have to figure out who is paying for what. I mean if it's your bf then typically he pays, but Andrew and I are just going as friends, so what happens then? Does he still pay for everything, do we go dutch(as in buying your own) or do we split it, like me dinner, him tickets? Idk, so confusing.
